Desiree Hope and Prays

2011-07-26T02:35:00.001-07:00

Why do woman have to go thru mood swings during that time of the month!?

Exam revision not going as planned.
Work roster sucks.(Why no study leave!?)
Need to do appraisal.
Personal thoughts and regrets.

Fuck it!

=((((

I need chocolates and coke(s)!

2011-07-07T21:49:00.000-07:00

Depressed!!! i wont be amazed if i didnt score well for my module! Rah!

2011-07-02T06:58:00.000-07:00

I've fallen for you unconciously.
And the most realistic fall i've ever had.

2011-06-26T08:16:00.000-07:00

=( stuck in Sustainable tourism.

Wasted 2 hrs of my day doing a report that is moving in the wrong direction.

Resorts world, can i hate u? for being so unfriendly to Mother Earth, fauna and flora.

2011-06-23T11:21:00.000-07:00

I realise i need someone who can lead me in life.
To bring me to my future assisting me with the right decisions to make and correcting me when i am wrong.
Someone who holds stong values in life, that matures both of us in mindset.

There is more to the word "love".
We have overused this word and diluted the meaning of it.

2011-06-21T10:39:00.000-07:00

for such a simple act u did, i felt very very loved.
Its as simple as that.

2011-06-14T06:08:00.000-07:00

IM SO HAPPY TODAY!
VENTURED INTO A PART OF SENTOSA I DIDNT MANAGE TO GO TO BEFORE.

AND its been long since i last had this kind of shepherd and sheep talk. feel very loved. feel that there is quality time spent.
really love these kindda talks that builds up my life!!! and really miss it =(

I miss the quality talk that i always engage in last time.
how to build up my life? when was the last time someone evaluated me and asked me to improve. stating to me practical steps.
When was the last time i set correct priorities.
When was the last time i affirm someone.

Shit. so many values that i threw away when i left church.
Now im going to find it back.

2011-06-10T01:24:00.000-07:00

是时候画个句点了。吗？
为什么爱情需要着么复炸！这个科目跟sustainable tourism一样，没有definite answer.

听着serene koong的，“明知我爱你”... ...

u know whats in my mind all the time? hoping u'll spring up a simple surprise for me. but it never did happen.
and the egoistic me just dont want to admit anything.

at the same time, i'm blaming myself and only myself. cos i just freaking dont want to take the initiative!
I'm stubborn! =(

"not so much to do with stubborn,
it's the lack of courage to embrace change.
The lack of confidence to act.
The fear of the unknown that holds people back from success and happiness" -A good friend of mine.

This phrase hit me damn hard. But still, i dont want to change.

2011-06-02T17:03:00.001-07:00

Am i feeling it right?
Is my sixth sense correct?
Or am i all wrong? (i don't think so)

I gave myself a chance..
I tried to be brave and initiate a change.

i'm not someone that can trust love so easily. really.

2011-05-30T00:39:00.000-07:00

i will still be the strong girl on the outside. its the only way i can protect myself.
but when im alone, the loneliness do creep in and take over me.

if only telepathy really works in the real world.
Then u'll know and i'll know the thoughts of one another.
Read me~ read behind my actions, my smile my everything.
cos i have no courage to speak out.

2011-04-29T10:19:00.000-07:00

i wish to do life with you.
go chat, go out with frens, go cycling, go school, go work, go eat, go overseas.
but time stops us. u stop urself. i stop myself.

'companion'

2011-03-09T16:54:00.001-08:00

i should not even attempt to go and look back.

now i feel sad.

i threw away an everlasting friendship i once had with so many people.

I should learn how to treasure.

What do my future hold for me if i dont have Him with me?
Nothing.

2011-01-13T21:41:00.000-08:00

i thought life would be easier from now on.
but it seems like it isnt so.
so i am going back to reality.
a place where i belong.

There's more to it.

2011-01-09T23:53:00.000-08:00

no more thinking about someone who doesnt even thinks of you.

2011-01-06T23:59:00.000-08:00

if new year resolutions still exist.
no more emoing.
no more talking unconstructive topics.(Especially at work)
and start building up my life with skills that helps me practically!

I shall start from 6am today.

Jewel Box! here i come-with a smile.

at the same time... i need to find someway, something, some people to keep me motivated at work.

Nope, no pithole.

so, touch wood and good night.

everything will be how God wants it to be. =)

2011-01-04T02:31:00.001-08:00

Nowhere near better.
why the hell am i emo-ing?

2011-01-03T10:08:00.000-08:00

the magic at night....

i drink and wished i could get drunk.
sitting on the table at moonstone.
would be good if there is music...
just so~~~

Tears i held back.
Can i let u out?

2010-12-22T23:21:00.000-08:00

Pardon my childish blog post. i usually dont dictate my day out.

Everything about today is just nice, smooth and =)).
Work today is nice.
I like it when we get busy. Time passes fast and i find i am doing meaningful things.
But when the busy period is not handled well by me, i get really pissed.

Anyway, so all of us at JB got many presents... and food. Its just goood.
Left Jewel Box and headed to the cable car station.
bid goodbye to my eddie=) and went to RWS to watch the crane dance preview for staff.
Nothing magnificent. but its good enough for a show that is shown free to public every night.

Just wondering why do they want to fight heads on with Lake of Dreams. Which shows at the same timing every night.

Finally when the show ends. (The reason why i use finally is because i waited 40 mins and the show was only 10 mins.) headed to find fadly to pass him the book that i owe sham. and along the way, nice things happen. went home with my favourite song, Everyday i love you. Which reminds me of the St johns island camp and vincent.

oh well~ just so nice today.

End of dictation!

2010-12-18T18:27:00.000-08:00

live to love or be loved?

2010-12-06T01:59:00.000-08:00

after 8th Dec, if i start missing him, then i am in trouble.
after 8th Dec, if i am still thinking about him, means i have really fell into the pithole.
I hope the above wont happen.

and nope, its not anyone from my work place, JB.

2010-11-17T00:50:00.000-08:00

Quite sad today is Ms T.'s last day. if i dare, i would write her appreciation card. thanking her for speaking words of encouragement to me for that few seconds when she walks past in the morning/day. i alws valued her because i know she values front liners. its really not easy for leaders to value frontliners. leaders tend to overlook frontliners and thinks they are saikang warriors. when frontliners tries to brighten up someone's day. Its really a bonus to have someone to brighten their day up too. and thats exactly what miss T. did. so these are my unspoken words of appreciation to you miss T. u are a great leader whom i will miss. and if God gives me a chance. at the right place and timing, i will convey these thanks to u.

My critic on myself.
i have enough of the world. i feel tired. i dont understand why i am filled with so much skepticism. and i hate this. cause when i left church that time, its the exact same reasons. tired. skeptical. so upon evaluating, its not the church's fault that time. its my fault. and if its my fault, wherever that i go, the problem follows. eew, i feel so disgusted by myself. i just couldnt find back that joy in my younger youth days. God, can u tell me where can i find it at? yes, i know i can find it in you. but, can show me some relevancy? i dont want ten year series answers.
anyway, seriously seriously, these few days has been bad. i am caught up with so many things. i dont know why i am doing what i am doing. i dont know what is right and what is wrong. decisions are made without much thoughts and consideration. and i feel like i have dug a hole, and i allowed myself to fall into it. this is seriousloy called reckless living.
and so, if u are wondering why i went back to church last week, cos i think its time for reality check. its time for a spiritual health check up. fix up all the wrongs to become the rights.
hmmmm~ welllll, slowlyyyy. i am still fearing commitment. after the past 7 years of commitment i made here. somehow, i feel that this 2nd spiritual life of mine will be very different from what i had experienced before in the past 7 yrs.

Pride kills the innocence of the boy. to think how much i loved him before. and yet now, fame swept him away. if its that adult beside him instigating him with negative acts. its really unforgivable, to even get a young boy to do this. such wrong values. alexey~

2010-11-14T07:17:00.000-08:00

why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? - matthew 7:3

thats what God spoke to me when i went svc yesterday.

i rejoice when i see those faces whom i have not seen for long.
they are still doing well, i am glad.
some whom i know had left actually came back.
i hope the interns will be able to find a church and do well in their spiritual life.
all i think is others must do well. others should do well.

but heck. why am i rejoicing and worrying over issues of others when the plank in my own eye is not removed.

2010-11-03T17:14:00.000-07:00

zhong guo ren shuo de zhong guo hua zhen hao ting!!!
the words that come out of their mouth just brings in another level of emotions within me.
i almost cried.
Maybe cos my roots are from China. Haha!

And Karyne just described to me the man of my dreams. hahaha! cool combination.
Fatherly+IT savvy+must speak hao ting de zhong guo hua.
HAHAHHAHAA!
hmm... maybe i should add on.
Fatherly+IT savvy+must speak hao ting de zhong guo hua+dont smoke/drink+mixed blood look.
Can find a not? hahahaha!
Funny joke by Karyne!

2010-10-29T12:33:00.000-07:00

thoughts thoughts thoughts... essay ~

Strike the shepherd and the sheep disperses.
Thats exactly how i felt in this place.
The shepherd is leaving. The sheep disperses.
Leaving this place one by one, to find their promised land.
Nothing to hold them back.
Left behind are the hypocritical sheep that hope it can be a shepherd one day.
Thats why is chaos now.
cos those sheep that are left behind is nowhere near good.

I secretly pray and hope that the important people will stay. to sustain the team.
I know i should not feel burdened. But i am burdened and very much affected.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wanted to open my heart a little. to soften it a little. But time and again, they gave me chances to look at them with slanted eyes. by the way they behave in front of different people.
They dont prove themselves. What they say and what they preach is different. how they behave makes me pissed.
I just dont want to be a victim in this area of love.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last but not the least, and if u are reading this blog post. u will probably know what this means.
I am finally going Home.

Like how we alws say. Humans tend to only look for help signs when they need help.
And in this job, i need a lot of help. Everyday, i hope i can end work by sharing to a shepherd about my problems. i yearn for someone to guide me in life. so so much. I have not grown up, i finally realised.

And a side note. Hope the interns will be able to find a church to settle themselves in. For this one year in singapore, dont neglect your spiritual life.

2010-10-28T09:54:00.000-07:00

i have no idea what to tell you when i see u.

should i say, "congratulations to the marriage. i did not go to ur wedding ceremony due to the fact that i was far too guilty to meet all the people that will be around."

then my thought to myself is, "what the hell is wrong with me that time. freaking childish and immature mindset."

whatever it is, i am looking forward to my taiwan trip on 18th Nov. =D
Hopefully i will get to really enjoy this (guided) tour. How i wish it was a free and easy tour instead.

2010-10-05T07:09:00.000-07:00

thoughts of the day:

in the end, its my brother whom did a simple act that i appreciate most.
maybe he dont know that what he did pleases me.
its just a simple wish i wished for.
and i alws hoped some of my friends or family will do that.
just a pleasant simple surprise.
but none came.
the person i lease expect actually fulfilled my simple wish.
its really nothing much.

--------------------------------------------------

if u give god the priorities...
maybe u wont need to worry so much,
cos u know u are in good hands.
at least, the worries u are having now lessens.
and u know the plan he has for u will be more perfect than perfect.

2010-09-29T02:16:00.000-07:00

Time to go back to basics.
Can't waste any more time.

2010-09-26T22:03:00.000-07:00

I give up.
who the hell sees my efforts.

Does anyone even know me?
Do anyone know what i really want.

Stop freaking pleasing me with just words that is just for the sake of pleasing me.
I rather u shut up.

Next time, u all will no longer be part of my priorities.
I'll go ahead with my plans. u all go ahead with yours.
Sorry, i forgot, u all never have any plans.

2010-09-26T09:48:00.000-07:00

I hope one yr in J.B. will pass fast.
I cant wait for my taiwan trip.
I want a short getaway.
I am trying to face everything that is happening around me in an optimistic way.
I am afraid i will break down.
I think i am keeping quiet.
I am disappointed in a number of things in different areas.

2010-09-22T23:38:00.000-07:00

Time for thoughts of the day! and scribbles from the day.

If ever i get successful one day in the frontline career, the 2 person that i will be doubly thankful to is WeeGiap and Dominic.

During these days when i am feeling a little lost in my future direction.
There are thoughts of giving up in this line.

But things that Wee Giap say such as "there are many problems that can be avoided if we have done a good job at the frontline" and "imagine no frontliners/ushers, it will be chaos". Sentences like this really encourages me and struck my heart deep deep. And how much he cares for his staff welfare. A good leader.

And of course Dominic that really speaks words of encouragement when he sees us(me) around. How he identifies the strength of each unique one. And always giving that very friendly and fatherly smile that i can't resist. AHAHAHAHA! A rare leader to come by. Someone i will give my support to in the workplace.

Sometimes i do feel that i am a lost sheep in the field. Hoping there will be appropriate guidance.
In terms of work, this 2 stands out.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
And as i engaged in conversations with different people, i realise that i really really enjoy the time engaging in fruitful conversations with mature people. It grows me. in character, knowledge and mindset. I don't like these conversations to end.

And sometimes when i fall silent, its because i am thinking how much more i can change to improve my life in terms of charater and maturity. But yet sometimes, when i fall silent, its because i really don't feel like continueing a conversation that is of no purpose, that is leading nowhere.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

There are just too many reasons for me not to leave harbourfront.
With way so many friends working in this area.
No way am i going to leave this land.
My future workplace CONFIRM GUARANTEE CHOP is in Harbourfront!
Just where?
Which part of harbourfront?

Well Well~ still my current job i will stay.
Cos like i say, there is some really nice leaders there =)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

2010-09-10T17:29:00.000-07:00

Thoughts of the day:

I finally found out what can make me angry!
customers that dont listen to instructions.
Seriously, they are capable to make me frown and vomit blood.
-----------------------------------
my 2 major wishes.
1st: get my spiritual life right.
2nd: the person i am with (in the future) MUST be biblical=MATURE.
lead me through times when i struggle in my spiritual life.

But first, let me get my spiritual life back on track.

Despite me not doing well. i really see this criteria very important.
TOP TOP PRIORITY.
-----------------------------------
I smile more often now.
but i lost the genuinity.
Hope i get back that important element soon.
I HATE FAKE SMILES.

2010-08-26T17:42:00.000-07:00

When smiling gets too tiring...

i never thought that will ever happen.
but somehow, today, it did happen.

and when i felt so tired to smile,
i wondered, WHY?!

then all the other thoughts came.
the smile that was shown when i am hurt.
the smile that was shown when i cry in my heart.
the smile that was shown when i am overjoyed. (that i could jump as high as the ceiling)
the smile that was shown when i am in anger.
the smile that was shown when i wanted to just jump over and hug you.

every emotions that i had ever experienced,
i had actually concealed it with just a smile.

a smile that covers all.
that today, i felt so tired-smiling.

2010-08-25T23:50:00.000-07:00

laziness overwhelming me.
heavy eyelids in the early morning.
plugged in. blast. nice.

under the blazing sun.
toured sentosa and saw some friends.
explored. enjoyed. nicer.

late at night.
kc meetup.
no end chit chat time. nicest. =)

2010-08-22T22:15:00.000-07:00

i know not what i need to do.
i fear in every step i take.
i stay put at where i am.
knowing that it will lead to death,
but yet keep me living day after day.

in my ever running thoughts.
there is so much more than these that i have written.
and i just hope that there will be more optimism than pessimism for those that are not penned out.

2010-07-22T02:10:00.000-07:00

as the night sets in,
my thoughts wanders again.

i am alws waiting for u to start a conversation with me.
but that never happens.
not ur fault, its just me.

2010-07-16T11:24:00.000-07:00

its a life time commitment.
not just marriage.

i see how responsible and sincere ruth is with her people.
even years back.
no matter the change of cliques, groups, congregations, ch....

life's motion goes on,
the surroundings change,
the sincere heart dont change.
this is commitment.

2010-07-02T00:50:00.000-07:00

people in general take free things for granted.
thats my point of view just by seeing the responses of the audience who got their free tickets.
come in late.
still find every chance to complain in all areas from service level to the show itself.
leaving the show as and when they like.

i wish God can do something about that attitude that is present in humans.

2010-06-23T00:50:00.000-07:00

明知道我爱你。
我假装不在意。
你知不知道，真的没关系。

2010-06-19T10:17:00.000-07:00

voyage de la vie nightly...

i am thinking hard how to further my career in this place.

anyway... have i ever mentioned i love the cast a lot??!
gonna take any and every opportunity to make friends with them. =)

2010-06-16T00:05:00.000-07:00

i close my eyes and all i can see is ur eyes and smile.

Anyway!!! i have no idea how i lost my concealer =(
i use it practically everyday!!!
and its still new!!
super depressed.=(((
sigh ttm.

2010-06-14T02:01:00.000-07:00

After watching the Easter production, this song by hope Singapore gets stuck in my head.

'Can you forgive, though its hard to forget'

I find myself not achieving great things if i continue to wamt to please everyone. At the end of the day, i dont see anything done.

2010-06-13T19:40:00.000-07:00

your words touches me.
for i identify deeply.

ppl like u makes everything so much easier.
=)

2010-06-12T23:20:00.000-07:00

A very personal responsibility

its always easy to blame.
blame the people, the parents, the friends.
blame the surroundings.
blame the bus, taxi, mrt.
blame the weather.
YAH. Blame everything.
i am not in the wrong.

But, sometimes...
NO, It's everytime,
we got to be personally responsible for our own life.

We really got to stop this blame game.
And start being responsible for the circumstances that is occuring.

my life, i'll be responsible.

2010-06-12T01:33:00.000-07:00

Its ur grace

u showed thru.
i hope i wont only remember u in such good times.

i take pride in my job now.
thanks for...
giving me a chance to part time for my current casual job.
free viewings.

Happy birthday meiqin-ajumma-joyce.
=D

2010-06-06T15:14:00.000-07:00

When the heart is not settled, you know how important that something/someone is.

2010-06-05T23:50:00.000-07:00

frowns kills me

Really wanna apologise to KC gang!
was so tired i was literally frowning away at night.
major headache.
But, enjoyed everyones presence. seriously.=D

i will think hard about what you said to me.
and after i thought thru,
i will bring Him more than just a song.
for a song in itself is not what He have required. =)

i just need one person to believe in me.
believe that the day will come.
For me to be in His arms again.

2010-05-29T12:48:00.000-07:00

who can save me if i don't want to save myself?
the wait was too long.

2010-05-28T20:09:00.000-07:00

The change in you.
No longer the person i thought i knew.

Have you ever loved somebody so much It makes you cry?
Have you ever needed something so bad You can't sleep at night?
Have you ever tried to find the words But they don't come out right?
Have you ever?

2010-05-25T13:34:00.000-07:00

When God is placed first, everything else is being taken care of.

Love divine. Joy unspeakable. Overflowing in my soul.

Screams: OMG!!! OMG!

congrats to all those who are officially in a relationship!!!

wowowow! i am so glad for you all!

official relationships being announced,
so many wedding bells are ringing!~
may all be everlasting! =D

woo hoo~

i remembered those times when we tried so hard to match all the leaders up. :)

2010-05-25T11:11:00.000-07:00

dont expect too much, DTHY.

i can't wait to see the guys in our class with their shiny head!
=))

2010-05-22T23:58:00.000-07:00

"a man without religion is like an empty shell."

someone said that to me today.

2010-05-21T00:18:00.000-07:00

i know i should not be jealous.
but,

I AM SO TOTALLY ENVIOUS OF TIFFANY'S LIFE. and many others who are out there.

oh well~
may that fateful dream of mine come true one FATEFUL day.

2010-05-20T23:23:00.000-07:00

no more =)

Why emo when it affects the ppl u love and those that love u?

had steamboat with huihuan, michelle and joanna today.
but we definitely did not eat the value of the price we paid.
my stomach's getting smaller i think . =)
and enough of a coincidence for us to bump to geoks at bugis as well.

2010-05-20T00:44:00.000-07:00

i hope to those reading this blog,
i am keeping a good account of my life.
the growth, stagnancy or down part.

some people, i do not want to disappoint.
i do not wish to disappoint.
i love them too much.
for they have seen me grow up.

prayed a lot ytd, today as well.
there are still lots of areas of improvements. i know.
prayers has been made only when i am in desperate need.
one way prayers.
selfish prayers.
and selfishly, i hope it will be answered.
some did. some didnt.
i dont blame.

try not to interfere too much.
cos it will lead to further setbacks.
i will realise it somehow.
i will learn somehow.
i will grow from it somehow.

thanks.

2010-05-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

putting away the emo/tots of the day kind of entries.
now comes the boring to the MAX kind of entries which basically dictates life like that.

the first time i see a person literally fell and fainted in front of me in the mrt.
first time i pressed the mrt emergency button.
and yes, i am amazed at SMRT's work process.
its definitely admirable.
within less than 5 mins, the situation is controlled.
panic was less than a minute.
good work =)

kite flying with KC friends at marina barrage.
somehow, it bacame asshole dai di AGAIN. haha!
thankfully, night falls with a rather great breeze. =)
dined at ECP and then headed home.

gonna snuggle in with this great night =)

2010-05-18T23:59:00.000-07:00

i dont know how to love because i never really loved.

maybe its not that i forgotten about Him.
Its just that i did not really really love him using my heart, soul and strength.
its just that maybe, i did not love the people and things around me enough.
i just brush things away thinking its ok.

He is still around. but, i need to REALLY love Him.
How much am i willing to go the extra mile?

When praying seems like talking to myself.
its just because i am not bothered and affected.
i dont care about the things i am praying about.
i prayed for the sake of praying.
that is probably why i felt like i am just talking to myself.

--------------------------------------------------------

Today's breakthrough:
real prayers. increased prayers.

so much so that i started to suspect and think that He is putting me to a test.
from early in the morning till late night/early morning the next day.
no idea what that test is all about.
till now, no idea.

but i believe that when i find out,
it will be a great great feeling of sensation.

2010-05-16T09:09:00.000-07:00

Himyi, dont jealous.

2010-05-15T08:37:00.000-07:00

i realised something today.

i know i miss the good times i had.
i know i had the best truest friends there.
i know there are gazillions of memories that are oh so sweet.
i know i can be who i really am there.
i know the htht with them can go the deepest.

but these are not the reasons for me to go back.
just so secondary.

wait.
the primary reason got to be in it before i go back.
if not, its nothing more than just, making friends.

2010-05-14T07:12:00.000-07:00

somehow, something is missing.
again.

2010-05-12T07:32:00.000-07:00

i am seriously touched and amazed by God's way of working when we totally surrender our life to Him.

would it ever happen to me?
with me selfishly holding on.
with my not so mature mindset.
urghh...

the perfect love story(or perhaps cinderalla story) is played when we let the author of it all to direct it.
lets not destroy the perfect love story with our own way of playing it.

don't rush.

2010-05-11T20:11:00.000-07:00

if i meet you on the streets one day.
what will it be like?

2010-05-10T23:56:00.000-07:00

and my memories flooded back back back~~

G.R.A.D.S.

apparently, i forfeited the eternal, long lasting relationships that i could build.

2010-05-10T02:49:00.000-07:00

Why the vulgarity? :(

kc friends chalet!

2010-05-07T23:58:00.000-07:00

Before i meet C. tmr, i guess i need to take time out to think things thru.
i wonder how tmr will be like.

what are the questions going to be posted to me?
will i be able to answer everything?
what is the objective of the meet up?
who will i see?
what will the people say when they see me?
how am i going to converse with whoever that comes up and talk to me?
how am i going to survive tmr?

ANYWAY, on a brighter note, =)
i finally got nothing to do with YOG and recruit express anymore!
woo hoo!!
my God, this is like,
the best moment for the past one mth of uncertainties and many pestering of the company.

oh, and back from chalet with KC friends!
highlight of the chalet? 1st night =)
boss' drama serial was definitely a hit! haha!
plus many other times of HTHT with different ppl at different time.
for things to work out right, it just takes one person to initiate =)

i miss those htht with carmen and weisong.
i miss htht with sheeps.
i miss htht with shepherd.
i miss htht with leaders.
i miss htht with cg.
i miss the htht when we are in camps (nus, sports sch, etc)
i miss the htht when we are in chalets (changi-NLTW, etc)
I MISS THEM. ALOT ALOT.
tmr will determine everything else.

anyway, whatever it is,
I love HTHT =D

2010-03-30T02:57:00.001-07:00

sometimes, people make mistakes.
there are times when we forgot some great times and memories.
we are humans afterall.
decisions might be made on impulse.

dbsk, come back together =)

haha!!~

2010-03-19T20:43:00.000-07:00

everyone in my family (except my sister) are all trying to find a meaning in life.
my brother, my father, my mother, my self.
we woke up not knowing what are the plans for the day.
we can wake up, have to go to work, do housework, use computer, watch tv, meet lots of friends, have lots of events, but come back doing the same thing again the next day.
even if we have things to do, there are no fruits at the end of the day.
what was the element that is gained?
what do i gain at the end of the day?

i see it much more clearly for the past few days.
i have no idea why the stirring in my heart is very strong the past few days.
maybe because of the prayers made during the camp time now.
all those who have prayed, i believe God has moved.
past few days, i just could not let my mind be at rest.

why am i so convicted that everyone is living a meaningless life?
the past 3 months, i wake up having lots of things to do.
being very packed by studying during the exams time.
being very busy partying and have lots of gatherings after exams.
used everyday to find for jobs.
watched whatever possible drama serial that could be watched.
but, what is is that i feel at the very end?
emptiness.

freaking dumb of me to run away in times of trouble.
now its hard for me to go back.
why?
is it because of pride in me?
is my face that impt?
i scared people cant accept me?
what can i do now?

and now, i am freaking jealous of the life i once had.
i have once experienced that fulfilling life. but i chose to abandon it.
what was i thinking?
why am i so selfish to just run away from God that time?
and when i am in this deep shit now, do i selfishly go back to church?
so, am i going to abandon God again when i meet with a difficulty?
freak. that is not the way to treat the church.
neither is it the way to treat God.

please... i know there is no one reading this blog.
thats why i am pouring out my feelings here.
i need to get back on track.

i am very proud of felicia.
she did wrong and she had the courage to get back on track.
and i am sure her future is promising.
i dont.
i am still here. in the world.
life without meaning.

sorry for the vulgarity, but fuck.
i am so pissed by my life now.
i need to find meaning in my life.
and i can only find it in God.

i need to find that something in life!

i hate it that i have chose to commit to God in 2003.
i chose to publicly announce my faith in Christ in 2006.
but i still made the wrong decision along the way in 2010.
why am i so caught up in uncertainty when certainty can be found in Christ?

i dont understand why leaders leave even when they always promised their flock that they will see each other in the end.
i told myself i wont be life those that are so irresponsible with their words.
but see what i have done.

no use blogging here if i have no intention to work things out.
am i going to pass this own obstacle within myself?
what are the action plans that i have?

2010-03-19T05:53:00.001-07:00

all that negativity in my previous post -_-''

2010-03-15T02:03:00.000-07:00

E.D.D.I.E. P.E.N.G is love,

=)

sweet or what...

2010-03-07T18:25:00.000-08:00

i have a weird tendency to treat tall people as my role models

2010-03-07T07:03:00.000-08:00

its been more than 40 days. many days of nothingness passed. in the end a decision still needs to be determined. what path to take now?

2010-01-27T16:25:00.000-08:00

oh yeah! i saw leon today! =)

2010-01-25T17:45:00.000-08:00

oh God, i pray.

listen to my prayer.

shadabalahbadahdahdahkodar

2010-01-24T10:17:00.000-08:00

would the things u like fit in with the character u have?
can i like and enjoy something which does not fit with my character?

i wonder. have been thinking alot.

over the last 20 years, my family members have been putting me down.
over the years, i have tolerated it.

but this time,
i will go ahead and do something i enjoy. (in the area of career)
i rather change my character for it.

life after 26th february shall be different.
dont dictate my life anymore. (dont determine which job i should go in)
i will pursue what i want.

i am not being stubborn.
i seriously seriously have great interest in the job i am eyeing.

stop putting me down.
i will prove it.

2010-01-17T08:39:00.000-08:00

there is never the right way of doing things.
its whether the motive of doing things is right or wrong.

2009-12-15T21:32:00.000-08:00

Currently:
Status: rushing projects and tests like there is no tomorrow.

By Saturday, 19th December 2009:
Status: feel like i have not slept for 10 years.

By 20th December,
Status: SLEEP like there is no tomorrow.Then head to another land.

20th December-24th December:
Status: party, play, rest like there's no tomorrow in the other land.

After 5 days, i will touch down in Singapore, Sembawang.

Then i have no choice but to start on my projects AGAIN. Like there's no tomorrow.

THE WHOLE CYCLE REPEATS TILL THE DAY I LEAVE NYP.

i can't wait!

2009-12-02T17:01:00.000-08:00

i can't wait!!!

theme song for the mentioned drama:

AND the ending theme song!

ariel and shuai ge

2009-12-01T20:27:00.000-08:00

the guy's quite nice looking. haha.

2009-11-25T18:27:00.000-08:00

A fragile heart was broken before
I don't think it could endure another pain
But there's a voice from deep inside of you
That's calling out to make you realize

That this new bond gives inspiration
To all who feel no love appeal no more
So how can I break this wall around you
That's aiding both our hearts to grow in pain

So forget your past, and we can dream tomorrow
Save our hearts for card and lovin too
It's hard I know, but oh
One thing for sure
Don't go and break this fragile heart

A hurting mind in need of emotion
I don't think I could endure another pain
But baby in you, I've found affection
Affection I have never felt before

So don't let your past destroy what comes tomorrow
Don't go and break my fragile heart

With all this fire that burns between us
There's so much to lose
Yet so much more to gain
And if I could, choose the world around me
The world I'd choose would all revolve around you
So help me complete the game inside me
And help to mend my fragile heart

2009-11-10T10:54:00.000-08:00

i'll love to experience more in life.

bring me to another level. =)

Passing by at a quick pace,

How many seasons have already come and gone?

Walking along the landscape,

i am used to it.

We met by chance in this city

Even now i won't forget,

because from that day,

the many sorrows and worry i was embracing,

all of it with your warmth,

i changed them into memories

even if rain falls violently

even within strong blowing winds

i will hold fast onto this love.

this is the first time i've felt it,

to make sure i dont let go of this hand

lets always gaze at the time and treasure it.

Things will be forever, the things i believed in,

while i change them into joy.

let us walk together.

Lets go pick seashells some day =)

2009-11-10T08:16:00.000-08:00

It's the start of something more.

God,

prepare my spiritual life.

prepare my heart.

prepare my physical body.

Time planning TIME!

2009-11-09T08:14:00.000-08:00

Zhang yun jing- jiu rang wo zao gu ni.

2009-11-07T11:53:00.000-08:00

did i ever say?

that the butterflies are still in my stomach.

OGosh.

the future is so bright.

2009-11-06T08:57:00.000-08:00

Anticipation.

What's ahead for me?

my heart pumps. =)

2009-11-03T14:36:00.000-08:00

no more procrastination this sem.

2009-10-31T11:58:00.000-07:00

I appreciate.

Although sometimes words don't say it out.

2009-10-27T00:24:00.000-07:00

at the most pointed edge.

any step would lead to dire situations.

2009-10-18T11:37:00.000-07:00

"the no. of years in church dont determine what "L" you are."

dont be held by rules and regulations,

norms and expectations.

2009-10-12T13:07:00.000-07:00

JB photos up on fb!

2009-10-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday to my secret admirer! muahaha!=x

please he is good looking ok!

2009-10-10T10:16:00.000-07:00

enjoyed all the opportunities that was given to me at my workplace!

had so much fun on wednesday and friday when i had a chance to go out of office and see them do preparations and presentations.

probably skipping back home instead of walking back home on friday. haha.

hopefully will be able to help more in the next 3 weeks!

2009-10-09T23:24:00.000-07:00

i enjoyed the short chat i had with daniel cheah on Tuesday and with sherli on thursday.

Daniel Cheah was saying. no matter how little the things u are doing in the company as a intern, learn at every step. cos all these things are inevitable things that you need to do when u are out in the workplace. which i find it really true.

a pity i didnt attend the marketplace workshop in church. it was really a pity. i bet those who attended it gained a lot.

met up with sherli on thursday and she talked about the marketplace workshop also. must be some really impactful things spoken by the speakers.

andy was also talking about all the small little things that needs to be done for things to be done.

yup. so its divine lah. haha. 3 people talked about the same thing to me this week.

2009-10-09T07:27:00.000-07:00

The official start to something more.

God,

prepare my heart,

prepare my soul,

prepare my physical body.

Time planning TIME!

2009-10-08T23:59:00.000-07:00

HOW TO ACT BUSY.

I FOUND THIS ON THE NET! HAHA!

all 5 pointers are like, so cool!!!

WAHAHA!

During these times of economic uncertainty, many companies are looking for opportunities to tighten their corporate belts and eliminate any personnel they perceive to be under performing. Don't be one of those unfortunate employees! Armed with the right information, you can still be an unproductive idler and maintain your employment. Here are some tried and true tips to help you appear productive while remaining a sluggard.

1 - Keep your work area untidy. Whatever you do, don't be a neatnik. Everybody knows that an employee who has time to clean his or her work area doesn't have enough work to do and may be expendable. Keep a few printed graphs and spreadsheets strewn about your desk. One sheet (slightly crumpled) should be sitting at your feet - you were too busy to notice it fell. Scatter a few pens about and keep a notebook filled with illegible and meaningless notes nearby at all times. Having one or two empty coffee-stained styrofoam cups around will really finish the look.

2 - Stare at your monitor intently. Maintaining the appearance of intense concentration is key whether you're playing an online game, writing an eHow article or checking the value of your stock portfolio. Don't look up when co-workers pass by your cubicle. You're far too busy to be cordial. If the passerby is your boss, kick the act up a notch by furrowing your brow and letting out a subtle, yet audible sigh. If a co-worker stops by to talk shop, be sure that you act slightly startled to show that you've been jarred out of some deep cost savings analysis.

3 - If you have a telephone headset, wear it. You're obviously swamped handling customer calls if you can't even bother to remove that uncomfortable headset. How could someone question your diligence if you don't even care how silly you look with that thing on your head? This tip is also good for preventing the pop-in visit from co-workers you don't want like to speak to. When they walk in, just point to the headset and silently mouth the words, "Sorry, on a call." Shrug and look disappointed. They fall for it every time.

4 - If you must step away from your desk, always have work-related paperwork in your hands. As you're meandering the halls of your office to shoot the breeze, a report or invoice in your fist will give the appearance that you're investigating a troubling business truth. To the untrained eye, you're on a mission to the save the company money. Who is going to question that?

5 - Eat at your desk. Even if you just came back from a 2 hour lunch at Chili's, make sure you eat (or at least have) some food at your desk. An apple is great for this. Take one bite from it and leave it on your desk with the bitemark in plain view. Once it starts to brown, your cube mates will realize that you didn't pull yourself away from your work long enough to satisfy your most crucial of physical needs. You're obviously a key player and a keeper.

2009-10-08T19:20:00.000-07:00

It doesn't do any good to sit up and take notice if you keep on sitting.

maybe i'll just jot down this issue on smoking.

a conversation went on today in the office.

and i totally agree on the non smoker's point of view. i like how he rebutted in a friendly way and there is no disharmony caused. thats exactly the ways that we should handle things.

impactful, influencing yet not a harmony breaker.

i love it.

a: hey want to smoke?

b: i dont smoke.

a: why u dont want?

b: dont want lah.

a: i teach u lah.

b: hmm, nope. my dad's a hardcore.

a: then why u still dont want.

b: i dont see even one advantage in smoking.

a: just smoke lah. make friends while smoking...

b: 1 can name u a thousand disadvantages and not a single advantage. its smelly, expensive and etc etc. and i can make friends with you even if i am a non smoker mah.

a: dont care lah. (heads off to smoke)

name me one advantage of smoking. i will love to hear just one.

2009-10-07T23:12:00.000-07:00

here are some things that the people want to see in the group.

Felicia:

United, Closely Knitted

play games such as Paul and Barnabes

learn cycling or baking together

be interactive DO life.

Go home together after meeting ups

Buddy system to share about Quiet Time

Valerie:

Be a group that stays together.

when we say we are a family. are we really a family?

we can have chalets to do life by cooking

pray for one another over the phone

have a legacy in SBM. (i totally agree with this) LEGACY.

Kristle:

Go Overseas

play board games

Do life.

Guihao:

be relevant people to the people outside.

People will have Natural Attraction to the CG

be people who are real. no attempt to cover up lies.

IMPACT.

Desiree:

CG that leads anytime anywhere.

people can just talk about God like its so natural.

open up communication about anything.

2009-10-07T10:00:00.000-07:00

people often wonder how come prayers not answered.

here is the answer.

Faith is the postage stamp on our prayers

no faith, prayers undelivered.

excited for the new base camp!

lets all not be pampered people.

2009-10-02T23:59:00.000-07:00

3 meet ups in 1 day= a happy day

Finally able to meet my LO, who is my PEM.

so, this marks half of my attachment days left.

after work, headed to yiyou house for jacuzzi, swim and chat.

1/8 of the time swim, 2/8 of the time in jacuzzi, 5/8 of the time chatting.

after swimming, headed home.

saw steven and was able to catch up on his NS life as a commando.

a pity didnt get his contact or fb account to keep in contact.

2009-10-01T11:22:00.000-07:00

(this post got to be abit ambiguous and discrete as it might affect my results!)

as i am in the place i am in today, i find myself doing this:

its like, telling me to shift the rocks from left to right and back to left again.

ecc, meaningless!

anyway, so i got this really bad moodswing in the place i am in today.

this unwilling spirit, and that feel of obligations.

oh wells.

Will grab a chance to share my thoughts and suggest some better ways on Monday.

2009-09-30T00:22:00.000-07:00

is this cup half filled or half empty?

the answer will not surface until u do something to it.

fill the cup or empty it.

its time to give a definite answer to this.

do something.

either or.

2009-09-28T20:16:00.000-07:00

The most fruitful attachment day from the first day since i started! yeah!

Finally, i see myself advancing in this work place.